To be 100% honest; I despise every single word of my personal narrative for this class. But ah well. Help please, my darling writing group buddy! :D
"Aaron smoked. Aaron drinked. Aaron mutilated himself in ways that could make even the least squeamish of people, cringe in fear. Maybe they cringe out of sheer disgust too? The young man had depression, and divorced parents. I tried my very best to help in whatever way I could. Aaron called me whenever he was tempted to drink, after it was commanded by yours truly for him to start doing that. Together, we would stay on the phone for hours. Spewing sweet words as fast as I could manage, just trying so hard to convince him that the drama in his life wasn't his fault. He was never at fault."
I'd like some help regarding word choice and sentence structure, please. I just feel like this paragraph could be so much more vivid! D:
Into The Wild Blog.
17 years ago
1 comment:
Well, Cindy...
I personally do not despise your narrative, I actually really like it. It's cool how you're writing about Aaron. One thing I think about this passage is that it sounds somewhat "list-y" like you're just listing off the bad things one after another. I think I'd be able to give you more advice if I could read the paragraph in context to the rest of the paper, but otherwise, I really like it. :)
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